STOP IT

Gal. Today is one of those days people. I think sometimes I like to blame my life situations on the way that I look. That I can't get dates because I'm not pretty enough, not good enough. That I can't make friends or get better jobs or whatever because I don't look the way that I should. I get in that, "why can't I look like her" "have hair like her" "be skinny like her" attitude. :/ It's a horrible attitude, and it's one that is taking me a long time to break out of. So, I'm acknowledging the fact that I'm thinking this way today, so that tomorrow I will stop thinking this way.

IT NEEDS TO STOP!

Who you are on the inside is not affected by who you are on the outside, unless you let it. 

And I'm really trying to stop. :p

xoxo,

someone who's trying

First Year of College

So I am most definitely procrastinating my finals with this blog post. Seriously though I should be studying my little heart out, but instead I'm going to write this blog post and be happy. (: It's strange to think that my first year of college is coming to an end. I have learned so much about myself and about people. Starting out I was so excited. College was a place to reinvent myself. But I realize that it wasn't me that needed to change, it was my perspective. Now, I love college, I love myself, and I am extremely happy with the direction my life is headed, and where it's at now! (: 

 Being away from my family during my mom's cancer treatment was really difficult. I prayed for her every night. I missed out on a lot of things because I was busy being sad and wishing I was there. Coach Erica really helped me through that time. Losing her as a coach sucks, but she'll always be a friend. (:Then rolled around learning cluster, and I went to India. Let me repeat: I went to INDIA. The best words I have about India: life changing. I just know that despite all the bad things in the world, there are always going to be those fighting to do what is right. Spring season for soccer rolled around, and Zoe and I became workout buddies. I also became happy at SOKA. It took all year, but I'm starting to come around. God really answered my prayers. Finally (I have no patience). I know I'm not always perfect, but no one is. I really needed to realize this. No one has it all together, despite what appearances may suggest. 

So what have I learned from college? 

How to be happy without other's approval. 

That it's okay to do things alone...and like the feeling.

How to accomplish things on a time crunch.

That hard work pays off.

God always answers your prayers. 

And...that being different is the best thing you can be. 

Here's a quote to remind you how powerful you are....

“Though of themselves life’s defining moments may seem minor, our wise responses can gradually increase our traction on the demanding path of discipleship. For instance, we can decide daily, or in an instant, in seemingly little things, whether we respond with a smile instead of a scowl, or whether we give warm praise instead of exhibiting icy indifference. Each response matters in its small moment. After all, moments are the molecules that make up eternity, affecting not only ourselves but others, because our conduct even in seemingly small things can be contagious.” Neal A. Maxwell

Temples

I don't think I ever realized how much I loved my home until I left it. I am so excited to spend the summer with my lovely family! (:

Also, so glad that we are sealed together forever. If you're having a bad day, hit up your nearest temple. Here's a picture of my favorite U.S. temple, my favorite Utah temple, my favorite California temple, and my favorite international temple to brighten your day.



Washington D.C.



Draper Utah



San Diego California



Trujillo Peru

Have a lovely day kids! (: Don't forget how much God loves you. (:

i'm scared

i'm scared of not being needed and being needed to much.

i'm scared of being alone and of feeling alone when i'm not.

i'm scared that no one wants me. 

i'm scared of snakes and spiders.

i'm scared that i'm not good enough.

i'm scared of new things and of losing old things.

i'm scared that everyone will walk out on me.

i'm scared of what others say and what they don't say.

i'm scared that i will never do anything worthwhile, that my life will be a waste.

but you know what? your fears do not define you. 

"My beloved brothers and sisters, fear not. Be of good cheer. The future is as bright as your faith." -thomas s. monson 

have faith my dears...things will work out. words of courage for today. (: 

The Rag Doll

bringing back a story i wrote forever ago. needed this thought today. remember how much worth you have readers. con mucho amor...

The Rag Doll

I open my eyes.

I stare. 

Stare into the reflection that is cast in front me.

I am a rag doll; made up of pieces of yarn.

As I stare into the mirror, I begin to pull.

Pull apart the yarn that holds me together.

“Too fat.”

The voices in my head whisper. A bright yellow string falls off of me.

“Too ugly.”

Now a purple one.

“Too short.”

A deep green one joins them on the floor at my feet.

I work my way from the outside in.

“Too stupid.”

A fiery orange one drops listlessly from my body.

“Too loud.”

Blue slumps to the ground.

“Too opinionated.”

A scarlet red one completes my unraveling.

The voices continue to swirl in the air around me.

The echoes reverberating off the walls, the floor, the ceiling.

“Not good enough. Worthless. Unwanted.”

Then I see a face in the darkness.

He is light. He is warmth. He is comfort.

He picks up all the yarn mounded on the floor.

He asks me why I have insulted him.

I am confused. I ask him what he means.

“I am your Maker. I searched long and hard for the perfect yarn.

I found the right combination of colors;

The right consistency; the right strength.

I wove them together with gentle hands.

I breathed life into their strings.

This yarn is not yours to destroy.”

He takes all the pieces that used to be me,

He weaves me back together once more with a determination that I have never seen.

I could tell he had done this before.

The scarlet red is woven with the blue.

“You are intelligent. You are worthy.”

The emerald green is joined to the mix.

“You are loving. You are kind.”

Orange, purple, and yellow complete my transformation.

“You are beautiful. You are Mine.”

Colors once seeming worn, dull, and unsightly become vibrant on my figure.

He asked me if I would help Him now, the way he has helped me.

I wondered how I could ever repay this act. I couldn’t, I told him.

He pointed.

While I was staring into the mirror, lost in my own unraveling;

I had failed to notice others, just like me, falling apart on the shelf.

As quickly as He came, He went.

But I now had a purpose. I was not just a rag doll.

I was HIS. 

the gospel

I know that the Gospel is true, but I sure wish that God would give me some answers right now. A change is coming, but I don't know if I am ready or what it is. I just have to keep being patient. Gah.

Continue in patience until ye are perfected: D&C 67:13

you got it Lord. I'm listening, and patiently waiting for your answers. 

Can't wait for General Conference this weekend, I sure need it. 

old friends

Today I have been thinking about someone who I let slip out of my  life. Quietly, slowly; it was almost unnoticeable. I think Robert Frost kind of knew what I'm feeling now. 

Some say the world will end in fire,

Some say in ice.

From what I've tasted of desire

I hold with those who favor fire.

But if it had to perish twice,

I think I know enough of hate

To say that for destruction ice

Is also great

And would suffice. 

I've had many relationships end in fire; a big fallout with a lot of heat and a lot of destruction. I think the few that have ended in ice make me the most unhappy though, because the days grew colder and things turned to gray, with out me even noticing that summer was fading to a cold and dreary winter. I hope that one day that the sun will shine on this winter, and some of the ice may melt, because I sure do miss the kid. Robert Frost was right, the ice suffices, but the memories before the ice might be just enough to melt it. Unlike the damage done by fire, the damage done by ice may not be permanent. Looking back on some of the times we had together, I want to post something that he said to me once, because it makes me smile and reminds me how much we cared about each other. 

"I see a girl who has changed an incredible amount since we first met. I see a very brave, very sincere, very loving girl who I feel extremely lucky to call my friend. I see a girl who is just trying to find her place in the world and who never ever thinks about herself. I see a girl who has more strength and courage than anyone else I have ever known and probably ever will know. I see a girl that I love with all my heart." 

I hope that you're doing well dear friend. I sure do miss you. 

friends and missionaries

On Sunday, I said goodbye to my best friend Cali for 18 months. I can't believe that the time has come.  My dearest friends Daysa and Val are soon to follow. These wonderful girl are inspirations in my life, and it's weird to prepare to see them leave. I don't know if they know what a profound difference they have made in my life. From sleepovers, to adventures, laughing together and crying together, from chicken nugget Thursdays to Saturday temple trips, from college to missions, we've stuck together. You girls have changed me forever, in the most complete way possible. I am a better person because you all are in my life.

Time, I beg of you, please go by fast, 18 months feels like forever! I feel an odd mixture of emotions. I'm so excited for them, but at the same time it's hard to shake the feeling that I'm being left behind. :/ Here's to hoping that 18 months doesn't change everything, and that it changes everything. (;

A friend is one of the nicest things you can have, and one of the nicest things you can be. 

No Poo

Alright readers,

I've been hearing a lot about this new craze of "No Poo!"- washing your hair with out using shampoo. I'm a little skeptical but I'm going to give it a shot!

I found a recipe that I think will work for me:

Mix 1 tbs of baking soda with 1 cup water in a spray bottle.
Mix 2 tbs of vinegar with 1 cup of water in a separate spray bottle.

Wash your hair with the baking soda solution by spraying your roots and scrubbing. Massage it into your scalp but don't put it all over your hair. Then condition your hair with the vinegar solution by applying it to the length of your hair, avoiding your roots and focusing on the ends. Rinse it all out and your good to go!

I've started this week, and I'll let you know how it goes in a few days!

this week

gah.

this week i have been sort of a hermit. if i wasn't down at the gym working out; which i was... like 90% of the time, then i was trapped in the library doing homework. seriously though i have been so busy.

tomorrow marks the return to school from a three day weekend; a three day weekend that i spent working on...you got it...schoolwork. living at college makes three day weekends feel completely wasted. :/ puh.

this week also marks the beginning of my gluten and dairy free adventure. yay. :/ let me explain...so i have been having a lot of weight gain lately. no change in diet, huge increase in exercise. you would think my body would go the other way right? WRONG. 35 pounds heavier than i was three months ago, the doctors figured something might be wrong. so my blood-work is being done. in the meantime, Jenny (the trainer), thinks that i could have a gluten or lactose intolerance. so...almond milk and gluten free bread for me. (; maybe i can find some yummy recipes for gluten free brownies or something. wish me luck!

anyway that's it for this week. pretty lame and boring, but so goes the life of a studious college girl! 

more to life

tonight i was sitting at a party with a group of friends. 

they were playing beer pong, and drinking wine, and the usual weekend events were occurring. and i just sat there and thought to myself..."why doesn't anyone realize there is so much more to life than this?" 

people are so much more than they give themselves credit for. :/ i just wish i could make them see it. i know that i have had a lot of self confidence problems in the past. i still have a lot of self confidence problems that i'm working on every day, but i've never been to the point where i thought that alcohol and drugs were the answer to my problems. 

let me tell you friends...they aren't. the answer that is. 

every single thing that our Prophet, Thomas S. Monson, asks us to do, will only make us happier. sex, drugs, alcohol...all things that complicate our lives. education, sobriety, and charity...all things that simplify our lives and make us grateful for the things that we do have. 

stay sober kids, you won't regret it. 

xoxo,

the mormon girl 

inspired

welp.

i miss india already. earlier i was thinking that if i could hop on a plane and return today i would. then i really got to thinking.

it's not necessarily india that i miss (don't get me wrong i miss my friends and the kids...bad) but i think that it's the way i felt in india that i miss. i stopped thinking about computers and social events and how my hair looked (mostly) and what clothes i was wearing and who's dating who and all the other crap for just a little spurt of time. i thought about others, and not in a superficial way, but a truly deep and constructed manner.

so i'm going to bring back that feeling. i'm volunteering to tutor every monday. i'm volunteering at the homeless shelter every saturday. and i'm going to find more to do within my community.

i don't have to be in a third world country to make a difference and to feel happy. 

i can do that right here, and i hope you know that you can do the same.

xoxo,

inspired

a little more india

today has been my favorite day in India so far. i guess i keep saying that about every day, but each day i keep finding it to be true. today started with a bull race for the festival, Pongol! a bunch of men gathered together with bulls that had decorated horns (with chalk and flowers and other such things) and at 11:15, they let the bulls…well…run. it was all so hectic and on some psychological level maybe a little scary… one bull ran right behind me and Lauren was freaking out! also for some reason people were throwing bananas everywhere. i got hit a few times but Lauren was covered in banana, so much so that her white shirt was yellow!

after the bull race, we each went to a Mohanam villagers home for lunch. Kimiko, Kay, and i went to Madhu’s house. (: he climbed a coconut tree and got coconuts for us! it was kind of amazing! we met his sister who is beautiful, and an absolutely amazing artist. she has a degree in philosophy and is getting a PHD in physical education. we ate our meal on banana leaves, and with our hands (only the right one of course). yes mom, i AM playing with my food and it’s even socially accepted! the food was absolutely amazing. i could definitely live this way (though i do miss meat and i keep finding myself craving beef jerky).

after Madhu’s, we went to the cultural center with the kids. they taught us a sport called caperty(?), which is an odd mix between football, wrestling, tag, and sharks&minnows. i taught them the boot scootin’ boogie, they taught us some stick dances and Indian dance moves. while we were dancing, a little girl came up to me. she asked me to sing here a song, so i did. then  i taught her some handshakes and patty cake and down by the banks and after that we were inseparable. her name is Lagita, and she introduced me to a bunch of other little girls (though she hardly spoke English so it was a challenge!). the other girls were older and spoke English very well, and kept teaching me Tomil words.  they took me to the kolam contest, the stone lifting contest(150 KILO rocks!), and the greased pole climbing events in the village for Pongol. we danced and played games and the little girls took about 100 pictures on my camera! (: it was a beautiful day. i never want to leave this place. i know that I have to come back, and soon. there is a whole world out here that i never could have imagined, and i just want to be a part of it.

i love India. i love the people, the culture, the land, the food, and especially the children.

we ended the night with another campfire with Balu (our organizer) and Pascal (the Swiss man who lives in Germany). it was a beautiful night with wonderful company and food. i hate to think my time here is running short.

wait for me India, i’m coming back soon. (: 

Me and Logita (: 

People watching the bull race.

Me and some of the kids!

Logita's mad picture skills!

Kolam contest

india

namaste from India!

inea Pongal nal vartikal! happy pongol festival!

being in India has been this very surreal expirience for me guys. being here has made me feel like i am a part of something, like i have a purpose. there is something that i am supposed to do in my life and i know what it is now: help people.

i can't wait to return to the states and share the knowledge i have gained here. i am learning so much about myself, and the world around me every day. one of the founders of the Mohanam center (this village's cultural center for youth) said something that really struck me today. he said, "India is not a poor country; it is a rich country with lot's of poor people." i know now from my travels that one person can really make a difference. i'm in Auroville right now; a community founded by "the mother" (a french lady) and Sri Aurobindo, and Hindi leader. Auroville is all about helping people help themselves. i love staying here at the youth camp, but next time i come i think i would like to live at the bamboo center! they do amazing things with bamboo and aid in community development.

there are many things that i miss about the states...warm showers, soft beds, and the food, oh gosh the food. but i wouldn't trade my expiriences here for any of those things. yesterday, me and lauren went for a run and some village children here joined us. they were really smart. i couldn't pronounce one of the girl's names, and she sounded it out by syllable for me. :/ they all speak english very well, on top of Tomil.

the first day that we were here we studied village action. i hope to raise money for this group in the states at some point and to some degree because they need funding! they empower women mostly through giving them microloans and teaching them to save money. they are changing the way india see's women, culture, and caste systems. i'll write more about them tomorrow when i'm not so sleeeepppy. 

yesterday we visited the cultural center, Mohanam, learned Tomil dances and songs, and had a huge bonfire! i met people from Israel, all over India, France, Holland, England, Germany, and Spain! the guy from Holland was really cool, he's a writer named Tim. everyone teased me and called him my "boyfriend." i hope to exchange information before we leave though, for my next vacation to Holland, ya? (; it's amazing how many people are here in Auroville trying to improve the conditions, learn about the culture, and experience life. each day here is like learning to live in the moment, and that's just how it works here. everyone just lives to experience the moments, and not to some huge end goal. tomorrow to see a bull race at the festival, and the next day we are going to a village marriage!  everything is shut down here for the festival, so really we have just been chilling, learning Tomil, and talking to some very interesting people. a few days ago i helped build a roof out of bamboo for a government prototype, some jewelry, and some drums... and at the bamboo center the women taught us Tomil and we taught them English. the older boys (the 20-something teachers) at the cultural center here like to tease us about the way we try to speak Tomil. they are really nice though, and amazing teachers and musicians. India is so full of culture, and i'm learning too much to even express!

today is one of the smaller days of festival, leading to the biggest day tomorrow! (: today we visited a forest called Sadhana Forest in Auroville. the people there are kind of weird hippies, but very interesting. they believe in no competition, unschooling (a process where children only learn if they want to?? confusing), and only eating vegan. on the other hand their reforestation efforts are amazing. i think i might try to go to Haiti with the organization to plant trees at some point. it's so cool what people can do when they put their mind to it. they are really helping the water conservation efforts, pollution levels, and self sustenance of the Indian community. i KNOW one day i will live here in India for some period of time. this picture is me with my Indian friend Madhu. he teaches me and meg Tomil and called me "chili Ali" once because apparently i'm "spicy." he is 22 and works at the cultural center. the other picture is me with the little girls at the cultural center. they taught me Tomil dances! (: Madhu is going to teach us some more dances on Sunday if we go back (he pinky promised so he better). Namaste my "nanban" (friend). the last pictures are the "Kolam"s made out of ground stone. the women do them by hand every morning and NEVER mess up. they have to be perfectly symmetrical with no gaps so that the evil spirits don't get in!

home

home...

it's not just the place that you live.

and it's not just the people that live there. 

home is the place where the memories are.

the place that no matter how long you stay away, you will always be familiar with. 

the old train tracks where you used to play.

the rope swing by the river. 

the streets you got lost on.

the place you had your first car accident. 

the old running trails. 

the park you played games at.

the denny's you always ate at. 

the hart's where you sat and talked for hours with hot chocolate in hand.

the canyon where the waterfalls run, and where you ran. 

the bed where you slept in. 

the nook where you read. 

the room you told your secrets too. 

the people that may be distant now, but were once your whole world. 

home...

not a place, but a memory.