i'm scared

i'm scared of not being needed and being needed to much.

i'm scared of being alone and of feeling alone when i'm not.

i'm scared that no one wants me. 

i'm scared of snakes and spiders.

i'm scared that i'm not good enough.

i'm scared of new things and of losing old things.

i'm scared that everyone will walk out on me.

i'm scared of what others say and what they don't say.

i'm scared that i will never do anything worthwhile, that my life will be a waste.

but you know what? your fears do not define you. 

"My beloved brothers and sisters, fear not. Be of good cheer. The future is as bright as your faith." -thomas s. monson 

have faith my dears...things will work out. words of courage for today. (: 

The Rag Doll

bringing back a story i wrote forever ago. needed this thought today. remember how much worth you have readers. con mucho amor...

The Rag Doll

I open my eyes.

I stare. 

Stare into the reflection that is cast in front me.

I am a rag doll; made up of pieces of yarn.

As I stare into the mirror, I begin to pull.

Pull apart the yarn that holds me together.

“Too fat.”

The voices in my head whisper. A bright yellow string falls off of me.

“Too ugly.”

Now a purple one.

“Too short.”

A deep green one joins them on the floor at my feet.

I work my way from the outside in.

“Too stupid.”

A fiery orange one drops listlessly from my body.

“Too loud.”

Blue slumps to the ground.

“Too opinionated.”

A scarlet red one completes my unraveling.

The voices continue to swirl in the air around me.

The echoes reverberating off the walls, the floor, the ceiling.

“Not good enough. Worthless. Unwanted.”

Then I see a face in the darkness.

He is light. He is warmth. He is comfort.

He picks up all the yarn mounded on the floor.

He asks me why I have insulted him.

I am confused. I ask him what he means.

“I am your Maker. I searched long and hard for the perfect yarn.

I found the right combination of colors;

The right consistency; the right strength.

I wove them together with gentle hands.

I breathed life into their strings.

This yarn is not yours to destroy.”

He takes all the pieces that used to be me,

He weaves me back together once more with a determination that I have never seen.

I could tell he had done this before.

The scarlet red is woven with the blue.

“You are intelligent. You are worthy.”

The emerald green is joined to the mix.

“You are loving. You are kind.”

Orange, purple, and yellow complete my transformation.

“You are beautiful. You are Mine.”

Colors once seeming worn, dull, and unsightly become vibrant on my figure.

He asked me if I would help Him now, the way he has helped me.

I wondered how I could ever repay this act. I couldn’t, I told him.

He pointed.

While I was staring into the mirror, lost in my own unraveling;

I had failed to notice others, just like me, falling apart on the shelf.

As quickly as He came, He went.

But I now had a purpose. I was not just a rag doll.

I was HIS. 

the gospel

I know that the Gospel is true, but I sure wish that God would give me some answers right now. A change is coming, but I don't know if I am ready or what it is. I just have to keep being patient. Gah.

Continue in patience until ye are perfected: D&C 67:13

you got it Lord. I'm listening, and patiently waiting for your answers. 

Can't wait for General Conference this weekend, I sure need it. 

old friends

Today I have been thinking about someone who I let slip out of my  life. Quietly, slowly; it was almost unnoticeable. I think Robert Frost kind of knew what I'm feeling now. 

Some say the world will end in fire,

Some say in ice.

From what I've tasted of desire

I hold with those who favor fire.

But if it had to perish twice,

I think I know enough of hate

To say that for destruction ice

Is also great

And would suffice. 

I've had many relationships end in fire; a big fallout with a lot of heat and a lot of destruction. I think the few that have ended in ice make me the most unhappy though, because the days grew colder and things turned to gray, with out me even noticing that summer was fading to a cold and dreary winter. I hope that one day that the sun will shine on this winter, and some of the ice may melt, because I sure do miss the kid. Robert Frost was right, the ice suffices, but the memories before the ice might be just enough to melt it. Unlike the damage done by fire, the damage done by ice may not be permanent. Looking back on some of the times we had together, I want to post something that he said to me once, because it makes me smile and reminds me how much we cared about each other. 

"I see a girl who has changed an incredible amount since we first met. I see a very brave, very sincere, very loving girl who I feel extremely lucky to call my friend. I see a girl who is just trying to find her place in the world and who never ever thinks about herself. I see a girl who has more strength and courage than anyone else I have ever known and probably ever will know. I see a girl that I love with all my heart." 

I hope that you're doing well dear friend. I sure do miss you. 

friends and missionaries

On Sunday, I said goodbye to my best friend Cali for 18 months. I can't believe that the time has come.  My dearest friends Daysa and Val are soon to follow. These wonderful girl are inspirations in my life, and it's weird to prepare to see them leave. I don't know if they know what a profound difference they have made in my life. From sleepovers, to adventures, laughing together and crying together, from chicken nugget Thursdays to Saturday temple trips, from college to missions, we've stuck together. You girls have changed me forever, in the most complete way possible. I am a better person because you all are in my life.

Time, I beg of you, please go by fast, 18 months feels like forever! I feel an odd mixture of emotions. I'm so excited for them, but at the same time it's hard to shake the feeling that I'm being left behind. :/ Here's to hoping that 18 months doesn't change everything, and that it changes everything. (;

A friend is one of the nicest things you can have, and one of the nicest things you can be.